Know Truth

and make it known to others

Ed's Drunkenness
Ed called me yesterday morning. I didn't check my phone until 12 hours later. He wanted to know if I was going to the show, forgetting that I told him I would when I spoke to him by the park. He couldn't even recall meeting me and asked what time it happened and whether it was snowing. What a lush.

He did remember my e-mail of last week when I told him I might not show up. So he made some sad excuse about needing someone to keep a close eye on his sculptures in case things got too wild at the opening.

Then there was some gossip about Cassandra's boyfriend being a bisexual, blah blah blah....

Ran Into Ed Yesterday
I just noticed how I used the word "ran" in the title. It's funny because it's not literally true but just a thing people have grown accustomed to saying. People do "run" around and into each other like chickens with the heads cut off.

Anyway, I was headed to the SVA alumni sketch and saw Ed waiting for the bus by Madison Sq. Park. He had what looked like wine boxes in a luggage carrier. He smelled of booze. We talked about the art opening on Friday and how he'd just come from Victor's (the guy who's hosting the opening in his Soho loft). Apparently, Victor was showing him videos of all his past shows and they were pretty amusing. Ed also let me know that some French people who've bought his sculptures in the past offered him a place to stay just outside Paris so he could work on more stuff. He joked about taking Evelyn with him but I nixed that and suggested he take Cassandra instead. For some reason, he got very excited about that idea. I don't think he would have shown nearly as much enthusiasm had he not been drinking. He also suggested that I visit him. But why the hell would I want to go to France? I let him know how ridiculous the thought of me going to France was and as usual, he didn't know how to react.

I had plenty of time to chat but decided that I'd better leave. Ed seemed surprised that I was leaving so soon. Again, he probably wouldn't have revealed as much surprise had he not been drinking. I noticed a slight slur in his speech. He probably drinks everyday. When he brags about not drinking as much lately, it's probably because he skipped a day or two. He also seemed to be looking forward to leaving NYC. Who knows if it will happen. I'm sure he'll get sick of France pretty quickly. I can't imagine him learning French. Who would he talk to? How would he combat his loneliness? He's not the type who can get lost in his work. He needs approval too much.

Emily's "Research Project" or Whatever the Fuck She Calls It

Haven't listened to most of it yet.


Moral Psychology
This post isn't about moral psychology. That would be a dull thing to write about. This post is about the inevitable conversation I had with Angelica at Spring street last week. I know it's stupid but it feels like some "unfinished business" finally got dealt with. Ever since I first met her and found out she's getting a PhD in psychology I felt that it was inevitable we'd butt heads on it. Since leaving the League, I had forgotten all about it but she turns up again and we finally had our discussion---

It suddenly feels like such a chore to bother typing this out....

Well, anyway, the most interesting detail I noticed about the whole (predictable) discussion is that she switched topics on me when it looked like our conversation had to end. She acted like the focus of our talk was her research paper when in fact it started out with her rejecting my claim that a person can deprogram themselves from things like falling in love and, ideally, from having any emotions at all. Her confusion was obvious when she brought up her research as proof that people will always have emotional responses to things no matter how hard they try to control themselves. Her research only shows that a person's sense of morality can be thrown off by outside stimulation, such as annoying music. I have no problem with that because I know, through my own personal "research" that people are hardly ever truly moral, so it's no surprise that something as trivial as loud, jarring noises will influence a person's sense of justice.

Maybe I'll write more about this later. I can't be bothered at the moment.

She also brought up psychopaths. Again, predictably, she said that anyone who has no emotional reactions can only be a psychopath.


Ed's Loneliness
Ed is in denial of his loneliness. He claims to be numb to all suffering, which might be true to an extent but he definitely still feels lonely. Why would he spend so much time with those losers from the League and damaged people like A.M.O. and empty-headed chicks like Cassandra and Evelyn if he wasn't lonely? The fact that he often complains about these same people despite spending so much time with them makes him sound like a woman with battered wife syndrome. It's pretty pathetic.

He invited me to his show on Friday. A.M.O., Cassandra, and fuck knows who else will be there. I thought about staying away but will probably show up. There might be decent food. Definitely not drinking, there are 74 days left before I can do that again. I definitely will be bringing a trash bag, in case I leave early enough to pick up some bottles and cans.

(no subject)
When in Rome attack Rome. When in love attack love.

Idiots think I'm a misogynist because I make no distinction between female liberation and male liberation.

Fuck World Peace
Let's have a war with a goal that is true.

The only reason average people appear "sane" to the undiscriminating eye is because most people are timid. They keep their wild thoughts and cognitive errors to themselves. Only when their confusion is pushed out of them does another person notice that something is not quite right.

Timid people, whose insanity is constantly being suppressed for the sake of appearances are always searching for peace and comfort. Since they pay attention only to outward appearances and ignore their personal, subjective reality they become convinced that the appearance of peace in the outside world indicates that they also have also attained peace of mind. They think the complex order and harmony of some music they like reflects their own harmonious spirit but this is only a mask.

For Facebook later: "Stereotypically, world peace is seen as the most noble goal. But people who think this have no inner life and wrongly assume peace and harmony in the outside world means they have attained peace and harmony within themselves."

People are seduced by appearances. Every instance of seduction means that a vital part of the soul is being ignored. Someone wants world peace because they lack the courage and strength to look into themselves and root out the origin of all suffering. Dreaming about world peace ensures that there will always be pointless wars.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a genius?"

"Only in jest."


Facebook status message to add later: "If you feel your childhood was magical, it's only because you're comparing it to the drab existence you fell into as an adult." (Or something like that.)


Doing things is just like meditation. Our actions can hypnotize us just like anything else and probably more effectively than anything else because we are naturally more compelled by the things we personally do. The problem with "doing things" as meditation is that most people have the wrong idea of what meditation is. It's not an exercise to empty the mind of thought, calmness is not synonymous with submissiveness. Meditation is really just the mind generating off itself, creating an endless stream of increasingly logical thoughts.


I thought about Gary specifically, and hack illustrators who always seem to get the job done in general and the sense of BALANCE they have that allows them to do the same task over and over again with only superficial variations. They make no progress (probably don't even believe in progress) because they may be balanced people but only in a conventional way, lacking any wisdom. People like that balance between work life, family life etc. and their art. I have to balance only within myself since I have close to nothing in the outside world. Their chaos is repetitive, mine in penetrative.

I think my life needs more balance. I've always been such an extreme person and this has lingering effects that aren't conducive to reaching perfection. Too much frantic enthusiasm at the beginning of doing something inevitably leads to exhaustion and loss of interest. That's probably what happened while working on that painting and every other involved work of art that I've ever tried to finish; wanted to convince myself that I wanted to finish. Most of my energy goes into working myself up about it and when it comes time to do it, I have nothing left. This overwrought eagerness of mine is a result of the desire to have something to believe in. I tell myself that I believe in nothing, am dissolving myself in the infinite but the ego fights back every step of the way and when it sees a new possibility, some way of exciting people and showing them how clever I am, it effortlessly attaches itself to the fantasy of getting one over on everybody. It's been happening so subtly for a long time now but I'm finally conscious enough to detect its presence and begin to dismantle it. The way to do this is by becoming more balanced.

A recent example of this is my conscious change in internet habits. I told myself (taking a cue from Mickey's war against procrastination) that I wouldn't go online from 9AM to 5PM every day of the week. This seemed like a great idea, it got me excited to see what my mind would figure out for itself during all that time to supposedly just think. But it turned out that instead of going online I'd just watch T.V. until it was time to log on. After a few days of this, my disgust pushed me to include television into the 9 to 5 rule. This was exciting at first, I'd take long solitary walks and have many nutty ideas but eventually, that also started to become a habit and I'd feel bored again. I'd want to write down some of the thoughts I had but pulling out my sketchbook seemed like a fuss while I was out and about and by the time I felt comfortable enough to do it, the idea had gone or been through too many diluting transformations. My walks made me feel like a very poor tourist, wanting to forget himself and his boring existence by seeing new places and if you know me, you know what little I think of world travelers and wanderlust. So now I'm allowing myself to go online whenever I feel like it but only to check e-mail or write in this journal. No Facebook, Youtube, Yahoo! chat, Sherdog or such crap until 5pm. I should have been writing more all along but my extreme focusing prevented me from doing what I need to do to stimulate my mind. There are other things which I fixate on as well, such as exercise, bottle collecting, drawing/painting in Manhattan and I burn myself out on all of them like I burned out on that damn painting. And then I literally had to burn the stupid thing to exorcise it out of my life once and for all. If I had been more balanced, maybe it would have been completed ages ago... (but then I'd have involved myself with that shifty crew at WW3 Illustrated)...

Anyway, balance is the goal now. I can see myself going to finish my laundry now and having a dozen different thoughts that would lead me to neglect basic housework only to eventually burn out on thinking and writing out my thoughts. It's going to take some practice.

For some reason, I'm thinking about that idiot Costa Vavagiakis and his "patience" principle. People don't need to be more patient, they need balance, after an initial period of extreme action just to get themselves out of the muck. This is why Costa's work sucks. He has too much patience (which is really just timidity in the face of an obstacle) and not enough balance. He's so timid that he has no energy or thoughts to form a balance between and ends up being completely dull and uncreative. Yet this is enough to inspire the morons that take his class.

But I'm rambling now....


Log in